REMEMBER TO BREATH: MY LIFE IN A SELF-CONSCIOUS NUTSHELL
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I’m writing this at the right time in my life. I’m 25 years old now and would like to think I’ve been through enough shit to write a novel. For now I’ll keep it to 1,000 words or less (single-spaced, of course.) Lately, some people have decided to share their stories of hardship with me. Maybe because they relate to the lyrics in the songs I create, maybe not. Either way, I’ve decided to share my story.
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If you can believe it, that guy on the far right of the photo is me. I’m 19 years old and weigh about 275 pounds in that picture. From about the age of seven I remember struggling with my weight. I was born with severe asthma - a medical condition that could literally kill me if not for the medication I take every morning / night (even to this day.) The condition may or may not have led to my becoming over-weight due to my restricted physical activities as a child. Some days I wasn’t allowed to go outside to play because I was “breathing odd” or “showing signs of a impending asthma attack.” I was in and out of the hospital due to multiple episodes during which I felt as if I would die from lack of oxygen. I literally couldn’t breath. I was always told by doctors that I would ‘grow out of’ my asthma so I was kept my head up. On August 7, 1997 my direction in life would take a sharp turn.
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I was 10 years old when I watched Garth Brooks perform during an HBO special called Live in Central Park with my family. I’d been a fan of his for sometime by then and insisted to my mother that we watch it together. I watched the concert from beginning to end, seemingly without blinking. Something about the way he interacted with the crowd, ran around that stage, and gave all of himself during each song struck me. After that night, I truly knew what I wanted to do with my life. I bugged my parents for a guitar for my 11th birthday….and I got it.
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I dedicated hours upon hours to learning to play that guitar and began writing my own songs by the age of 14. Still struggling with my weight and asthma, I found safety and comfort in those 6-strings and the lyrical release that came with composing songs using the thoughts in my head. I was also struggling at school with verbal bullying from individuals who thought less of me for my physical appearance and my lack of participation in school sports. My weight was only increasing - peaking around 280 just before graduation high school. With that weight increase came a decrease in my confidence and self-esteem. I dedicated more time to my instrument and even soon discovered that I had a decent voice and was able to carry tune. It was my escape from the world of health issues, unpopularity and shame.
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I hadn’t planned to go to college. In fact I loathed the idea of being further subjected to the pains of social interaction with judgmental and under-appreciative bullies. By the time was a senior in high school, I’d become rather proficient in my guitar playing and vocal abilities. My mother convinced me to audition for the music department at the community college in our hometown of Riverton, WY. To my surprise, I found great enjoyment in the process of preparing my audition and was ultimately offered a full-ride scholarship to participate in the Associate of Arts program for a degree in Music Performance, which I accepted. I found confidence in that two years at school as I was surrounded by like-minded human beings and discovered my ultimately endless capabilities as an artist. I focused all my efforts on bettering my songwriting and set a goal to begin a band.
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After graduating college, I produced a full length album of songs I’d written during the experience and released them under the alias ‘Automatic Boy.’ I released the songs via MySpace and began performing with an acoustic guitar in coffee shops, cafeterias and living rooms across the state of Wyoming. I formed a band and began playing full fledged rock concerts and touring the northwest in a van. Soon we were hearing people say things like “Your music is incredible” and “I’m so glad I found your band.” My confidence was at an all-time high. Unfortunately, so was my weight.
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We weren’t gaining any steady footing or being taken seriously by anyone in the ‘industry.’ In the summer of 2008, as a 20-something in a society that pits the pressures of success against the ever-changing world of ‘beauty’ - and after watching many other bands achieve success (all of which noted as being more “attractive” than myself by societal standards) the band decided to call it quits. We broke up and went our separate ways. In the sleepless nights that followed the breakup, I began to piece together the cruel reality: If anyone was ever going to take me and my music seriously, I need to get in shape. It was no longer an option.
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I took action. I set physical goals, monitored my diet closely, and reminded myself of the rewards to being in better shape: I’ll feel better, I’ll look better, and ultimately I’ll be more successful in life. In the year that followed I dropped nearly 100 pounds. In that time, I helped form and establish an up and coming band from Nashville, TN called Farewell Fighter. A band that has subsequently toured the entire continental U.S., received national media coverage, and has begun to reflect a positive impact on multiple individuals who have expressed experiences very similar to my own.
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If you’re reading this now and feel as if you yourself are limited in life by your physical appearance, your background or even your geographical location; I need you to know that there is only one thing that will ever, EVER break through that barrier. That thing is YOU.
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I won’t tell you that I’m fully comfortable in my body yet. I still have days where I wish I looked more like Ryan Gossling. But when I think back to where I was 5 years ago, my sight shifts back to where I’m headed rather than where I am.
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Stop trying to change yesterday.
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Start creating tomorrow.
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